so?

so maybe i was a little irrational, and now i feel guilty. what if i was being selfish and in dropping some friends i abandoned people who actually needed me? that is making me just as bad as the people who suddenly decided they didnt want me in thier life.

maybe, the only real way to deal with this is to not let anyone beat me. i know that sounds conceded, but thats how i deal. i just out-do anything anyone has coming.

throw your worst at me, i won't cry in front of you. i won't cry at school. i might shed some tears in the privacy of my own home, but you will never know. i'm going to keep doing what i was doing, because i was happy. and who the hell were you to barge in on my happiness making all these irrational accusations and causing me to become paranoid of my own friends? i'll keep doing what i was doing, it was working just fine thank you.

i win.

the things i remember.

scratchy back seat of a beat up burgundy van.
raindrops trickling down the windows, me; tracing them with my fingers.
ferns growing along the footpaths.
ice cream that always melted too early.
the scent of salty sea, the warmth of the sun.
pavement and cement.
that playground with the pulley-thing.
tobogganing, snowboarding, ski resorts.
the garden with the hydrangeas, the goldfish pond with the waterfall., the fountain in the living room.
linen closet we could never quite reach the top shelf.
tree fort and swimming pool were both boys only.
mud fights and ninja turtles.
walking. i loved walking. taking the bus, taking the sky-train.
days spent in our pj's, lying on the couch, watching cartoons.
fights, cops, broken glass, needles in the playground.
my big black dog. the swing set in the tall grass.
stuffing polly pockets in the vacuum so you would get them out.
dad and mom hanging wall paper.
shopping malls, china town, flea markets.
the rain. i'll always love rain.
saying goodbye. driving away. asking if we'd be going back. being told yes. knowing that was a lie.
the years since we've been gone. the familiar ache for home.

i will never forget so much and so much will never make sense to me. for the rest of my life i will ache for 'home'. for the people and the places and the smells and sights. but most of all i will ache for us, and how close we used to all be. how we only had each other and that was just fine.

everything kind of fell apart while we were trying to fix it, huh?

questions on my mind.

when you become obsessed with something, nothing is ever enough. if you are obsessed with your weight, than eating only one cracker a day somehow isn't doing enough and you will become obsessed with cutting back on that. if you are obsessed with drinking, than every weekend suddenly becomes not enough, and you must also do it on the weeknights as well. what if you become obsessed with talking behind other's backs? well then, that's going to be all you talk about or all you want to talk about.

often times, it's hard to even realize that you are obsessing over something, but every day i realize it a bit more; i am becoming obsessed with cutting people out of my life.

imagine; you are walking through the desert, dehydrated and weak beyond all measure. it has become difficult enough to drag yourself with each step, but on top of that you are carrying not just one duffel bag, but fifteen. they are pointless duffel bags. they don't do you any good, they're kind of unreliable anyway. so you find yourself thinking quite rationally, why not just cut lose one of these duffel bags? your weight load will be a hell of a lot lighter and you will have more energy for yourself.

so you drop the duffel bag, and suddenly, the walk seems a small amount easier. there's an added bounce in your step, a weight has been lifted off your shoulders. encouraged, you release another. then another. who needs all these pointless dead-weights anyway? they are serving you no purpose. so you let another go. your wake is filled with over-sized duffel bags that never did anything for you but hold you back.

finally, you've cut them all free except for one. it's a close fitting duffel bag and it molds nicely to your body as you trek on. this will carry your hardships for you, and help bear the load. it's all you really need.

i am finding that cutting one person out of my life isn't enough. i'm cutting everyone out, and losing track of who are important to hold onto. i'm almost bulimic, purging the excess. parting with the unnecessary.

but the question becoming more and more apparent on my mind is where to stop? who am i cutting out next? i feel myself becoming more and more withdrawn. party tonight? oh cool, i think i'll stay home. so-and-so called? yeah, i don't feel like calling them back right now. maybe later.

i didn't really want this to go this far, but at the same time i can't help that i enjoy my solitude. i'm enjoying this, this cut-back of drama and phoniness.

it's like being at the bottom of a pyramid and everyone is standing on you for support. you are carrying their burdens and weight, but who is going to step in and carry you when it becomes too much?

i learned long ago that the only person in this whole wide world i can depend on is myself and i plan on sticking with that until the day i die.

i love my job. well, one of them.

so i have two jobs.

my first i acquired towards the end of this past summer. it was out of necessity; the family camera had accidentally been broken at a rather rowdy party by some mysterious individual and i needed 300$, fast, to replace it. so i went on a job hunt. i wanted something close by, fairly easy and good hours so that i could make the money as fast as possible, then quit. i put out at least twenty resumes, and got one call back. zellers.

now just a quick run through. i had my interview and all went smooth, they needed extra personnel to help with their inventory, and i had good references. i started the next day in fashions.

now fashions is kind of like the alternate reality of zellers. it takes up roughly one half of the entire store, and yet only two or three people are ever working on it. the other side of the store will have up to eight or more people at a time with teeny tiny sections to focus on. when you work on the fashions side, you do not know a thing of the holy 'other side'. you have no reason to venture past the main isle. the staff room is on your side. the front doors are on your side. the restaurant and bathrooms are on your side. that's uncharted territory over there.

when i first started out, they would give me a list of things to do for the day. this could involve anything from 'tidy shoes' to 'put away all returns, watch fitting rooms, sort bras in alphabetical order, refold all tabled shirts, clean up men's and women's socks and underwear and refold all jeans.' that may not sound like a lot, but it's frigging ridiculous! no one ever appreciates the work that the fashions staff do. yeah sure, it looks easy. that's what i thought too. but when you have stupid ignorant customers barking at you to help them find the match to a shoe, a call coming in on the intercom, the bell ringing for the changing rooms and a missing child alert all at once, it's a bit much to handle. lots of times i have to stop myself and force my nose to breathe.

i jump for joy every single time a shift ends.

so, i'm sure you are asking, if you hate zellers so much, why are you still working there, some 7 months later??? the reason my friends, is money. now after my first two paychecks i had the camera paid off. i even bought it from zellers to take advantage of my sweet 10% discount. and then i thought, quit-time right? wrong. because after the end of summer comes school time. and school time brings school clothes. and student fees. and new supplies. and ... the need of money. if i could work another two weeks, id have another couple hundred to buy all that and be properly prepared for my grade 11 year. so i did.

after school supplies i'm not really sure what came next. i think it was, if i work just two more weeks, i'll have enough money to get my hair done, and i really need that. and then it was something like, if i work two more weeks, i'll have enough to buy new sneakers, and i really needed them.

when the weather got a bit colder, it turned into, if i work two more weeks, i'll have enough to get a new winter coat that i really need. or some new boots, or some more long pants. and of course by then i needed my hair redone. christmas rolls around and i need to buy presents for everyone. and then i want money for all of the boxing day sales.

the point is, it never ends. my vicious cycle for money. christmas comes and goes, and my hours get cut back at zellers to only four a week. this means about 60$ paychecks every two weeks which will not suffice my need now. i have a cellphone bill, my hair appointments. there's always some new membership i need or some new clothing article. i come to the conclusion, i must find a new job.

now last year around christmas time, i did some part-time waitressing at a cozy little bistro-style restaurant in the uptown area. my father knows the owners rather well and gave me a good referral for my first job. i worked there every friday and saturday night from 6 till it died down from november till february. now, the money was awesome, tips made it all worthwhile. but the hours? they left much to be desired. a young girl needs her weekend nights! not to mention, at the time, g didn't have his license yet. so he couldn't come pick me up after my shifts so we never got to spend nights together. it got to be a little much, and in february i quit on good terms saying that it interfered with my school work.

so when the time came for another job, i knew exactly where to call. turns out, one of their part-times had just quit so they could use an extra hand one night of the weekend, and just like that i started.

i never really realized how awesome of a job it was until i got it back. it pulverizes zellers. it takes zellers and breaks it in two over it's knee. it spits on zellers and laughs in it's face. it... i think you get the point. at c's i'm pretty much free to do whatever the hell i want. i don't get a certain time for breaks, i take one whenever i feel like it. things going kind of slow? i take a walk downstairs to the bar and hang out. getting thirsty? help myself to some free drinks. forgot to eat supper? yeah i'll just have an extra order of fries. the coworkers are really nice and hillarious. the food is amazing. and well, i love my job.

that's all this post is really about. i worked there tonight and even though i reek like steak and pasta, and my feet are killing me, and chocolate sauce is dried all over my nails, i love my job. one of them, that is.

isn't it funny?

fair weather friends. the ones who stick around when there's reason to. you're hosting a party? they're there. win the lottery? you know they'll call to go shopping. if their heart ends up broken, they call you for someone to unload on. you're there for your fair weather friends. maybe you're a good person, maybe you like having a lot of friends or feeling like you do, or maybe you actually see them as your friend. but either way, when they need you, you are there.

so isn't it funny how when the tables are turned, the fair weather friends are no where to be found? not even sarcastically funny, it's seriously laugh-out-loud funny. parents divorce? boyfriend dump you? little sister steal your favorite pair of heels and ruin them? you've got no one to blow steam to, no one to talk to. they honestly could care less.

it's a sad world out there when human cruelty becomes more widespread than human compassion.

how do you love?

i always wondered how it was possible for someone like me; someone with such trust issues, such hurt and such hate, to ever fall for a guy. sure, i've liked my fair share. sure i enjoyed the attention. but to love? to know that i would do anything for that individual, well, i never thought i would get the chance to feel that. i never thought i'd get the opportunity.

i was always the bad one. you might be shaking your head no, 'no, no, she was an angel.' so you thought. who really knew my deepest thoughts? who really knew what went on when seldom few were around? i was the bad one. i felt i had an issue with the entire world. an eternal grudge on the male species because of the lack of attention i received from my father. and because of that, i not only misbehaved, but i likewise treated guys badly. yeah, what goes around comes around, yeah i got burned my equal share. but i somehow always felt a power, a sense of control. if i wanted to, i could hurt someone, the only way i knew how. if you can imagine, my earlier years of dating were filled with nothing but drama and heartache.

and then, i meet this boy, when i had completely sworn off them for life. he smiles at me, and not only does his entire face light up, the whole room does. it all doesn't matter anymore. he will protect me, whether he understands that's what he does for me or not. with his strong hands, he will keep me from harm. and he will teach me how to love and how to trust.

he will forever gain the power over me that i had always previously possessed. and i will lose the power forever. i don't mind. just so long as he looks into my eyes with those deeply intense ones of his own i will know forever that he loves me. sure i was the bad one, but that's all in the past now. it's possible to completely change someone and have an impact on them.

i know i owe myself as i am now to this boy. i know that no matter where life leads us, he will only be a step away. that's how i want it for the rest of my life and i hope he sees that. we don't talk about the future much, it scares us and causes panic before it's due. but when i'm alone, lying in bed, i think of how amazing it will be to one day wake up beside him and know that he is mine forever.

i was always the bad one. the wild animal who would never be tied down. and yet, i've been charmed into this cozy little cage of submission and peacefulness. of quiet nights on the couch and laughs between the two of us that i wouldn't trade for the world. people don't like me as much as they used to. i'm not fun to party with, i don't want to drink or do drugs or have random hook ups. so what if this is because of his influence? in my eyes, he's the best thing that's ever happened to me.

i love you.

i enjoy my solitude.

see the thing is i've always been a solitary person. this whole isolation treatment doesn't bother me much. i don't mind the fact that no one calls or asks 'what's up' anymore. i don't mind coming online and seeing no conversations bubbles popped up.

the thing is, i've become accustomed to a life of solitude long before i met any of you. why bother being overly nice to make friends when you are only going to move away in a few months. they only become more people to miss. this is how i thought as a young girl and because of that i grew up guarded.

so don't think that in your cruel intentions you are hurting me in the least. it always comes full circle like this, i understand that. i'm not one of those girls who people jump up and down to be friends with.

i like it more having no one to confide in or talk to than having a big group of friends that take any chance they get to talk about me.