questions on my mind.

when you become obsessed with something, nothing is ever enough. if you are obsessed with your weight, than eating only one cracker a day somehow isn't doing enough and you will become obsessed with cutting back on that. if you are obsessed with drinking, than every weekend suddenly becomes not enough, and you must also do it on the weeknights as well. what if you become obsessed with talking behind other's backs? well then, that's going to be all you talk about or all you want to talk about.

often times, it's hard to even realize that you are obsessing over something, but every day i realize it a bit more; i am becoming obsessed with cutting people out of my life.

imagine; you are walking through the desert, dehydrated and weak beyond all measure. it has become difficult enough to drag yourself with each step, but on top of that you are carrying not just one duffel bag, but fifteen. they are pointless duffel bags. they don't do you any good, they're kind of unreliable anyway. so you find yourself thinking quite rationally, why not just cut lose one of these duffel bags? your weight load will be a hell of a lot lighter and you will have more energy for yourself.

so you drop the duffel bag, and suddenly, the walk seems a small amount easier. there's an added bounce in your step, a weight has been lifted off your shoulders. encouraged, you release another. then another. who needs all these pointless dead-weights anyway? they are serving you no purpose. so you let another go. your wake is filled with over-sized duffel bags that never did anything for you but hold you back.

finally, you've cut them all free except for one. it's a close fitting duffel bag and it molds nicely to your body as you trek on. this will carry your hardships for you, and help bear the load. it's all you really need.

i am finding that cutting one person out of my life isn't enough. i'm cutting everyone out, and losing track of who are important to hold onto. i'm almost bulimic, purging the excess. parting with the unnecessary.

but the question becoming more and more apparent on my mind is where to stop? who am i cutting out next? i feel myself becoming more and more withdrawn. party tonight? oh cool, i think i'll stay home. so-and-so called? yeah, i don't feel like calling them back right now. maybe later.

i didn't really want this to go this far, but at the same time i can't help that i enjoy my solitude. i'm enjoying this, this cut-back of drama and phoniness.

it's like being at the bottom of a pyramid and everyone is standing on you for support. you are carrying their burdens and weight, but who is going to step in and carry you when it becomes too much?

i learned long ago that the only person in this whole wide world i can depend on is myself and i plan on sticking with that until the day i die.