the things i remember II.

warm night breeze across my face
bruises across my ribs and midriff
a sense of accomplishment
your strong arms
the tide
swing sets
cool grass; long and uncut
flowers, lilacs perhaps? you picked them for me
lying in a field, staring up at the sky as the sun broke the horizon
cloud nine

the things i'd like to forget:
nasty emails
harsh words spoken on cordless phones
rumors that spread far too quickly
secrecy
that thunderstorm
toast with peanut butter
dirty little secret
tp'd house
my broken heart

dusting down the stars.

I grieve differently than most. it's more harsh, more intense. it hurts down to the very core and spreads like fire within my bones.

you know i will grieve for you till the world's end. and you take pleasure in that notion.

yet in your embrace, i feel something completely different and indescribable. you really did care. somewhat. at some point. i meant something to you, if not merely a possibility of what could be or could have been.

i miss you. but i won't ever tell you that.

it's 1 am, i must be lonely.

i wonder if someday you will realize you've done enough damage. all you're doing now is taking away my thoughts from others and complicating things that never should have become this complicated.

i'm begging, stop making me love you. stop forcing this on me. stop bringing up old hurt that you know as well as i do only you can fix. just stop.

cry alone

you will be gone soon
and once again, i will be left behind
always waiting
for your return

it's not easy
being easily forgotten
i wish i could
easily forget

months go by
and i find myself
wondering if you
even care

people change
and so do feelings
so does our love
so do our affections

as do the meaning
of our words
they change, change too
with connotation

sometimes, i swear
i can smell your perfume
in my room
everywhere

but i don't dare
cry for you
anymore, that is
no crying alone

on the radio.

this is how it works
it feels a little worse
than when we drove our hearse
right through that screaming crowd
while laughing up a storm
until we were just bone
until it got so warm
that none of us could sleep
and all the styrofoam
began to melt away
we tried to find some words
to aid in the decay
but none of them were home
inside their catacomb
a million ancient bees
began to sting our knees
while we were on our knees
praying that disease
would leave the ones we love
and never come again

on the radio
we heard november rain
that solo's really long
but it's a pretty song
we listened to it twice
'cause the dj was asleep

this is how it works
you're young until you're not
you love until you don't
you try until you can't
you laugh until you cry
you cry until you laugh
and everyone must breathe
until their dying breath

no, this is how it works
you peer inside yourself
you take the things you like
and try to love the things you took
and then you take that love you made
and stick it into some
someone else's heart
pumping someone else's blood
and walking arm in arm
you hope it don't get harmed
but even if it does
you'll just do it all again

and on the radio
you hear november rain
that solo's awful long
but it's a good refrain
you listen to it twice
'cause the dj is asleep
on the radio

didn't anyone realize.

so while you were talking about me, spreading rumors, telling lies, did you happen to know what i was going through? i mean, besides the drama you were putting me through? no, you didn't, because i didn't want to be the one causing drama or trying to be a drama queen. i didn't want or feel the need of everyone's pity.

so as my mom was getting readily more and more sick from her increasing cervical cancer, i withdrew myself from the world because i wasn't quite sure how to deal with it. i didn't want to tell everyone, i didn't want you to act sad to my face and talk behind my back and i did not want pity. i wanted to be left alone.

so i'm sorry that in me pulling away from everyone, i realized what i really need is support and friendship. i'm sorry that i came off as self centered and snotty and i left school crying numerous times and came to school with lack of sleep. i'm sorry i never got around to calling you or asking you all about your day because i was at doctor's appointments holding her hand.

i am sorry that you were so concerned with yourself that you failed to see that one of your friend's lives was falling apart, but i'm not going to take the satisfaction of telling you this now and letting you feel guilty or like a huge jerk. you will never know what you've done, how you ruined this friendship after all it had survived. all because the focus wasn't solely on you.

i'm just done. i don't know what to say to you anymore. i apologise for coming off as snotty, for 'acting like i was better than everyone else'. i don't really know why i apologised anymore. i did nothing wrong. but you are also never going to realize that you did. so this will go no where.

so yeah, you sit alone too and stare at me when you think i'm not looking. i'll sit alone too, laughing inside because i know it is only your pride stopping you from coming and taking a seat and spilling the latest details of some gossip story. we'll just sit alone and you can pretend all you want you're happy.