how do you love?

i always wondered how it was possible for someone like me; someone with such trust issues, such hurt and such hate, to ever fall for a guy. sure, i've liked my fair share. sure i enjoyed the attention. but to love? to know that i would do anything for that individual, well, i never thought i would get the chance to feel that. i never thought i'd get the opportunity.

i was always the bad one. you might be shaking your head no, 'no, no, she was an angel.' so you thought. who really knew my deepest thoughts? who really knew what went on when seldom few were around? i was the bad one. i felt i had an issue with the entire world. an eternal grudge on the male species because of the lack of attention i received from my father. and because of that, i not only misbehaved, but i likewise treated guys badly. yeah, what goes around comes around, yeah i got burned my equal share. but i somehow always felt a power, a sense of control. if i wanted to, i could hurt someone, the only way i knew how. if you can imagine, my earlier years of dating were filled with nothing but drama and heartache.

and then, i meet this boy, when i had completely sworn off them for life. he smiles at me, and not only does his entire face light up, the whole room does. it all doesn't matter anymore. he will protect me, whether he understands that's what he does for me or not. with his strong hands, he will keep me from harm. and he will teach me how to love and how to trust.

he will forever gain the power over me that i had always previously possessed. and i will lose the power forever. i don't mind. just so long as he looks into my eyes with those deeply intense ones of his own i will know forever that he loves me. sure i was the bad one, but that's all in the past now. it's possible to completely change someone and have an impact on them.

i know i owe myself as i am now to this boy. i know that no matter where life leads us, he will only be a step away. that's how i want it for the rest of my life and i hope he sees that. we don't talk about the future much, it scares us and causes panic before it's due. but when i'm alone, lying in bed, i think of how amazing it will be to one day wake up beside him and know that he is mine forever.

i was always the bad one. the wild animal who would never be tied down. and yet, i've been charmed into this cozy little cage of submission and peacefulness. of quiet nights on the couch and laughs between the two of us that i wouldn't trade for the world. people don't like me as much as they used to. i'm not fun to party with, i don't want to drink or do drugs or have random hook ups. so what if this is because of his influence? in my eyes, he's the best thing that's ever happened to me.

i love you.